I was just looking through past blog entries and saw some pictures of Maddy as a brand new newborn. It took me back to those days when we had just moved, felt like our lives were in upheaval, and were completely sleep-deprived. Seems kinda familiar. :)
What I was mostly thinking is how young John and I look in those pictures. Was that only three years ago? Our baby is turning three in just a week. I know people always say that it goes by so fast, but I just had my first real dose of that reality.
It's crazy to think how much can change in just three years. We are buying our third house in three short years (that sounds so crazy...maybe because IT IS). We are having our third baby (I still count the baby that we lost). We are having to make completely new friends and go to a new ward for the third time. We've painted countless walls. We've moved countless furniture. And most of all, we have learned a lot about ourselves and others. When I think about all that we have been through in these past three years, it doesn't surprise me anymore that we look older. We have earned those wrinkles and extra pounds around the middle.
Today I kind of wish I could go back for just a moment. I wish I could go back and just enjoy some of the moments better. I wish I could be that girl who was discovering the magic of spray paint and the ability to decorate on the cheap. The girl who was clueless when it came to taking care of a baby. I was so naive, but it was kind of nice. I thought the best of people, and thought I could be friends with anyone.
These days I feel a little battle-worn and tempest-tossed. I have lost friends in dramatic ways (which never happened to me in high school funnily enough). I have worried over money. I have cried over lost babies, lost chances, hard times, and hard mistakes. I feel that I have fit a lot of heartache into a short amount of time.
But now I want to start fresh. Is there such a thing? I really mean it--is there? Not in the way I would really wish I guess. But I am going to try and let go of past hurts, past grievances, and try to move forward. I am going to apologize again to anyone out there I have hurt. I am going to say that I forgive those that have hurt me. I just want to begin again with a new version of the old me. The one that knows that I never mean anyone harm on purpose. I've failed, but I want to give myself permission to move past those mistakes and keep trying.
Sorry to get all self-analyzing and potentially sappy on you. Big changes equals big thoughts, didn't you know?
Time to move forward. Time to take my old blog off of private. I will no longer be updating this blog. I'm sorry to toss you guys all around. I had to do it this way for a while until I got my head in a better place. Also, I ask those that do not like me and would be tempted to leave unkind comments to please spend your efforts elsewhere. Thank you.
Jen,
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine anyone being angry with you! You are always so happy. Some people need to learn to not get offended so easy! I am glad you guys are on the path to getting settled. Hope you are feeling better with the pregnancy!
Lori
Love you, Jenn. I really feel what you have been going through. It is amazing how battle-worn we can become. And cheers to your fresh beginnings. You are such a gift in my life.
ReplyDeleteOk, I agree that I can't imagine someone not liking you. At least not the you that I know, which I hope in my heart is the real Jenn. So those people must not know the real you and that invalidates any dislike they have for you. And what a sad bunch to miss out on the real Jenn by failing to see what a fun and generous and loving and lovABLE person you are. They need prayer. I'll pray for them.
ReplyDeleteGood for you. that's always how I look at things when I move. It's a fresh start. New habits, new friends, a new way of doing things. It's pretty great.
ReplyDeleteLove you!